This story is a Texas classic. It’s folklore. I’m not sure whether it actually originated in Texas, but the earliest versions date back more than 30 years—and they have typical Texas turns of phrase. In any case, the story has spread around the world. I’ve heard Australian and Irish versions, and I assume that if I went to China, I’d hear it translated from Mandarin. In Texas, the story goes like this:
A West Texas rancher was stacking hay in his barn when he heard, half a mile away, the clatter of a truck crossing a cattle guard. He looked up and saw what looked like a government Suburban (a type of SUV)—with tinted windows—trailing a cloud of dust from the limestone road as it sped toward him. He stepped out in front of the barn to greet it, and the vehicle came to a quick stop right in front of him, skidding the last five feet.
A young man jumped out. Slacks, pressed shirt. Glock on his hip. Badge on his belt.
“Can I help you?” the rancher asked.
“Sir, I’m a law enforcement officer,” the young man said, pointing to his badge. “I’m just making a courtesy stop to inform you that we’ve received reports of drug activity in this area. I’ll be looking around your ranch for a few hours to either confirm or disprove those reports.”
“Well,” the rancher replied with a puzzled expression. He pushed his salt-stained hat back from his forehead. “There aren’t any drugs here, except those big horse pills my doctor gives me for rheumatism,” he added with a laugh.
“This is no laughing matter, sir. I assure you this is serious official business.”
The rancher said, “I’m sure it is. Go right ahead, help yourself, son. Just don’t go into those 20 acres behind the barn.”
The officer visibly bristled for a moment, his face turning red and his chest puffing out. He thrust his chin toward the rancher.
“Sir,” he said, “do you see this badge? This badge gives me unlimited authority, granted by the U.S. Constitution, to go wherever I want, whenever I want—no questions asked. I decide where I will and will not go. Do you understand me, sir?”
“Sure,” the rancher replied, “I guess I’ll get back to stacking that hay.”
“Wise choice. That would be best,” the officer said, and walked away.
The rancher had been stacking hay for about five minutes when he heard a terrified scream from the pasture behind the barn.
He quickly ran around the barn and saw the agent running for his life, just five yards ahead of the rancher’s huge longhorn bull. He couldn’t tell who would reach the fence first—the agent or the bull.
When the officer spotted the rancher, he shouted, “Help me! Call him off! What should I do?”
The rancher cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “Show him your badge!”
