When Admiral Perry reached the North Pole, according to Texas legend, he said: "Must be a cold day in Amarillo!" (It must be a cold day in Amarillo!). He was, of course, referring to the old Texas saying that there is nothing between Amarillo and the North Pole except a barbed-wire fence.
Amarillo and the Panhandle region are famous not only for Arctic fronts and blue northers. They are widely known for their winds. Chicago is not actually the king of windy cities—Amarillo is. The Weather Channel claims that Amarillo is the windiest city in America.
In fact, four of the 10 windiest cities in America are located in Texas—Amarillo, Lubbock, Abilene, and Corpus Christi. The windy weather is why Texas ranks first by far in wind energy, producing more than twice as much energy as second-place Iowa.
Another common saying in Texas is: "If you don't like the weather, just wait a minute." (If you don't like the weather, wait a minute.) We are a region where we can have the heat on in the morning, the air conditioning at noon, and the heat on again in the evening. We are bipolar when it comes to weather. I like this post that has been circulating online: "Mother Nature: You can't squeeze all the weather in the world into one week. Texas: Hold my beer." (Mother Nature: You can't squeeze all the weather in the world into one week. Texas: Hold my beer.)
In the summer, it is not unusual to see signs in Texas that read: "Satan called. He wants his weather back." (Satan called. He wants his weather back.)
Here is another Texas expression I love: "It's hotter than a fur coat in Marfa." (It is hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.) Try using it in a conversation sometime soon.
Despite persistent claims that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk, it never actually gets hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. But it does get hot enough to bake cookies on the dashboard, and I would rather have dashboard cookies than sidewalk eggs anyway.
My brother used to get upset that Freer often reported the highest summer temperatures in the state. He felt they were giving themselves an unfair advantage.
"I know for a fact that they keep their town thermometer in an oilfield pipe yard," (I know for a fact that they keep their town thermometer in an oilfield pipe yard,) he used to say. "That ain't right." (That is not right.)
Much of Texas is known for its drought. Dry as a bone, as they often say. A West Texas rancher once told me: "God ain't much of a rainer out here, but he was mighty generous with the stars." (God does not send much rain out here, but he was mighty generous with the stars.)
And in West Texas, they have sandstorms so intense that they leave sand drifts behind. Some years, they have to shovel snow in the winter and sand in the summer. I bet sometimes they have to do both on the same day.
The farmers I knew as a child used to say that South Texas was so hot and dry that "the trees were whistling for the dogs." (the trees were whistling for the dogs.) You have to love farmers. Humor as dry as their land.
Eventually, however, the drought breaks and the rain comes. Then we have "gullywashers and toad-stranglers." (torrential downpours and frog-stranglers.) Or old-timers say: "It's raining so hard the animals are startin' to pair up." (It is raining so hard that the animals are starting to pair up.) Legendary Galveston meteorologist Isaac Cline put it perfectly when he said: "Texas is a land of eternal drought interrupted occasionally by biblical floods." (Texas is a land of eternal drought occasionally interrupted by biblical floods.)
Houston is not known so much for rain or drought as it is for humidity. For most of the year, it is a giant sauna. I doubt Houston would be an economic powerhouse if it were not for air conditioning. In 1900, fewer than 50,000 people lived in Houston. It will not be long before 7 million people live in the Greater Houston area. What happened over the past century? The invention and refinement of air conditioning. Coincidence? I think not.
Somewhere in Houston, they should have a large, 30-meter-tall statue of Willis Carrier, perhaps right beside the Gulf Freeway. Willis would sit comfortably inside a huge glass display case, which would, of course, be air-conditioned.
In Texas, we define ideal weather as "Chamber of Commerce weather" (Chamber of Commerce weather). That may not be unique to Texas, but it is a common expression here. Frankly, such weather is rare. Usually, when I visit a Texas town for the first time, people tell me: "The weather isn't usually like this." (The weather is not usually like this.) But in my experience, it is.
